epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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