Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
