I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
