You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
