So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize