dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
