my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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