Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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