Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
