that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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