If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize