Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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