when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
