my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Randomize
