im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
