I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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