i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
