I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
