How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
