I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
