I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
