I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize