I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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