Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
