maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
