I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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