Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
