The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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