Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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