I'm so fucking centered right now
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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