Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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