Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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