Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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