look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
