I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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