What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
