I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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