When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
