are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Randomize