It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
