oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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