Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
