So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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