They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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