Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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