i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
