I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
