No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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