Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
