I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
