I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize