Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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