glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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