Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize