Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
