I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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