put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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