No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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