Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
How naked do you want me to be?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
