We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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