the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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