I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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