apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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