I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
