Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
