and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
