I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
