look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
