I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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