sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
