my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm way too hungover for life right now
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
