i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
